Ageism Turned Her into a Liar

For most of my life, age has seemed unimportant. My friends of both sexes have been younger, older or at the same age. When I was in my early thirties I had a very enjoyable relationship with a man of 23. One of the most attractive men I know is in his mid-fifties.

The first time I experienced a problem with age was on my fortieth birthday. To my surprise, it was a very traumatic event. 40 seemed to be so much older than 39. I liked when people told me I looked young for my age. Then I realized they were telling me how old I was. I slowly got over the shock and tried to convince myself that life begins at 40…

I met him playing badminton. He was impressed with my exciting lifestyle – lots of travelling and some writing. I found him amusing and very attractive. He is 31. He has no idea how old I am.

All my life I’ve been honest. Early in our relationship I told him the truth about my disastrous existence – my divorce, my financial difficulties, the relationship that destroyed my faith in men. I even admitted that I dye my hair. He didn’t run screaming from the house. I told him I am older than he is, but something stopped me from coming clean about my actual age.

And now I’m in serious trouble. Silence has made the problem greater. If I had told him before, it wouldn’t have become such a big issue. If I had been brave to admit that I was 11 years older than him, I wouldn’t be in this crazy situation now. The other day, I hid my passport under a pile of papers. I’m worried about organizing a get-together with my friends in case one of them says something like, “Doesn’t she look good for her age?”

The longer I remain silent, the more likely he is to find out and I’m frightened. For once in a very long time I’ve found someone who makes me happy.

I know that if I was a man, I would never have got into this mess. Eleven years’ difference is nothing for a man. But the world judges older women harshly, and I’m afraid he would do the same.

I have become an ageist and a liar and I have no one to blame but myself.