Why Family Rows are Good for you

(by Laura Marcus)

New research in America is finally backing up what many people have suspected for years: that getting it all off your chest is good for your heart. A lot of us might think feeling good is good for our health. But scientists need more to go on than feelings. They demand evidence. And evidence appears to be emerging. Scientists are keeping a close eye on the current developments.

According to a recent report in "New Scientist", neurobiologists and immunologists have amassed a great deal of research that links the brain with the function of the immune system. They even have a new name for it: psychoneuroimmunology. This is the study of how the brain and immune system talk to each other. Now the scientists believe that expressing your feelings could actually be good for the immune system.

What happens is that different moods turn up or turn down the activity of our immune cells. Stress at work, insomnia, depression: they have all been found to be detrimental to the immune system. Conversely, self-expression seems to promote a healthy immune system.

While scientists hedge their bets, therapists and counsellors have no doubt that expressing your feelings in a family row can promote healthier family life. It does not depend on how you do it and how you end it, but rows are not necessarily destructive or harmful. A slanging match, hurling abuse at each other, is detrimental. But a row that clears the air and, where there is closure, is very beneficial because it releases tension.

Rows must have an ending. That's very important. Otherwise, all rows end up as history lessons: "And there was the time you did this, the time you did that." Deal with it, sort it and end it. That old maxim about not letting the sun go down on an argument has very good therapeutic value.

There really is nothing like saying the most awful things to your partner, and then being told you are still loved. They've seen you at your worst but still care. That's the best feeling going.

And, contrary to many parents' fears, rowing in front of the children is not necessarily harmful. How else can children learn that conflict exists but for being expressed and resolved? What is potentially harmful is that they might not see you making up. So if you have the row, let them see you being friends again.

We're often attracted to people who are different from us because we sense they have something we're missing. But then we try and change them into what we're already used to because that's familiar, so it feels comfortable.

Rowing goes beyond humans. Species that bond with one partner for a mating season, mainly birds but also some breeds of wild dogs and monkeys, do indeed have family rows. Disputes between partners have definitely been witnessed, usually early on in the breeding season as the male and female get used to one another. Some of the aggression they show to each other could be their innate desire to fend off intruders into the nest, so they have to learn to curb their emotion when their partner turns up with food for the young. Even in the animal world, the course of true love rarely runs smoothly.

So if you find yourself in the middle of a family dispute, bear in mind that rows are a necessary result of inevitable conflict. Though scientists can't yet agree about this, effective rather than destructive rows probably do make for a happier and healthier family life.

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