College

"Well, after they have learned at school they are ready for college. Mamma packs a few things into her son's bag and the lad trots off to college. If he is not strong enough to look for high honours as a boxer he goes into the thought department.* The President** takes him to his study, gives him a cigarette and says: 'My dear boy, what special branch of learning would you like to study to become one of our professors? We have a Chair of Beauty and a Chair of Puns, a Chair of Poetry on the Setting Sun, and one on Platonic Love, and one on Sweet Thoughts and one on How Green Grows the Grass.*** This is all you will need to equip you for perfect life, unless you intend being a dentist; in which case,'**** he says, 'we won't think much of you but we have a good school where you can learn that disgraceful trade,' he says.

And the lad makes his choice, and every morning when he is up in time he takes a glass of whiskey and goes off to hear Professor Marianna tell him that if the data of human knowledge must be rejected as subjective, how much more must they be subjected as rejective..."*****

"I don't understand a word of what you are saying," said Mr Smith.

"Nor do I," said Mr Brainer. "But believe me it is as my father used to say: 'Children shouldn't be sent to school to learn but to learn how to learn. I don't care what you teach them, so long as it is unpleasant to them.' It's training they need, Smith. That's all. I never could make use of what I learned in college about trigonometry and grammar; and the bumps I got on my head from the schoolmaster's cane I have never been able to make use of either. But it was the being there and having to learn things by heart, without asking the meaning of them, and going to school cold and coming home hungry, that made the man of me you see before you. Our children must be taught toughness, that's what they need in life."

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* the thought department– (зд.) философский факультет

** the President – the Head of the College

*** Перечисляются вымышленные названия кафедр.

**** in which case– в таком случае

***** Дается сатирическая иллюстрация высокопарного псевдонаучного стиля философского факультета.

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie*

(by Muriel Spark)

The boys, as they talked to the girls from Marcia Blaine School, stood on the far side of their bicycles holding the handlebars, which established a protective fence of bicycle between the sexes, and the impression that at any moment the boys were likely to be away.

The girls could not take off their panama hats because this was not far from the school gates and hatlessness was an offence. These girls formed the Brodie set.** That was what they had been called even before the headmistress had given them the name, when they had moved from the Junior to the Senior school at the age of twelve. At that time they had been immediately recognizable as Miss Brodie's pupils, being vastly informed on a lot of subjects irrelevant to the authorized curriculum, as the headmistress said, and useless to the school as a school. These girls were discovered to have heard of Mussolini, the Italian Renaissance painters; the interior decoration of the London house of the authorof"Winnie-the-Pooh" had been described to them, as had the love lives of Charlotte Bronte and of Miss Brodie herself. They were aware of the existence of Einstein and the arguments or those who considered the Bible to be untrue. They knew the rudiments of astrology but not the capital of Finland. All of the Brodie set, save one, counted on its fingers, as had Miss Brodie, with accurate results more or less.

By the time they were sixteen, and had reached the fourth form, they remained unmistakably Brodie, and were all famous in the school, which is to say they were held in suspicion and not much liking.*** They had no team spirit and very little in common with each other outside their continuing friendship with Jean Brodie. She still taught in the Junior department.

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* Мисс Джин Броди в расцвете сил и энергии.

** the Brodie set – окружение Мисс Броди

*** they were held in suspicion and not much liking – к ним относились с недоверием и недолюбливали

Miss Brodie never discussed her affairs with the other members of the staff, but only with those former pupils whom she had trained up to her confidence. There had been previous plots to remove her from Blaine, which had been foiled.

"It has been suggested again that I should apply for a post at one of the progressive schools, where my methods would be more suited to the system than they are at Blaine. But I shall not apply for a post at a crank school.* I shall remain at this education factory. Give me a girl at an impressionable age, and she is mine for life."

Often, that sunny autumn, when the weather permitted, the small girls took their lessons seated on three benches arranged about the elm.

"Hold up your books," said Miss Brodie quite often that autumn, "prop them up in your hands, in case of intruders.** If there are any intruders, we are doing our history lesson... our poetry... English grammar."

The small girls held up their books with their eyes not on them, but on Miss Brodie.

"Meantime I will tell you about my last summer holiday in Egypt... I will tell you about care of the skin, and of the hands... about the Frenchman I met in the train to Biarritz... and I must tell you about the Italian paintings I saw. Who is the greatest Italian painter?"

"Leonardo da Vinci, Miss Brodie."

"That is incorrect. The answer is Giotto, he is my favourite."

"If anyone comes along," said Miss Brodie, "in the course of the following lesson, remember that it is the hour for English grammar. Meantime I will tell you a little of my life when I was younger than I am now, though six years older than the man himself."

"I was engaged to a young man at the beginning of the War but he fell on Flanders' Field," said Miss Brodie. "He fell like an autumn leaf though he was only twenty-two years of age. When we go indoors we shall look on the map at Flanders, and the spot where my lover was laid before you were born. He was poor. He came from Ayrshire, a countryman, but a hard-working and clever scholar. He said, when he asked me to marry him, 'We shall have to drink water and walk slow'! That was Hugh's country way of expressing that we would live quietly. We shall drink water and walk slow. What does the saying signify. Rose?"

"That you would live quietly. Miss Brodie," said Rose Stanley who six years later had a great reputation for sex.

The story of Miss Brodie's felled fiance was well on its way when the headmistress, Miss Mackay, was seen to approach across the lawn. Rose Stanley had now begun to weep.

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* a crank school – школа с причудами (речь идет о современных школах)

** in caseof intruders– если кто-нибудь придет

"What are you little girls crying for?" asked Miss Mackay.

"They are moved by a story I have been telling them. We are having a history lesson," said Miss Brodie, catching a falling leaf in her hand as she spoke.

"Crying over a story at ten years of age!" said Miss Mackay to the girls. "I am only come to see you and I must be off. Well, girls, the new term has begun. I hope you all had a splendid summer holiday and I'd like to see your essays on how you spent them. You shouldn't be crying over history at the age often. My word!"

"You did well," said Miss Brodie to the class, when Miss Mackay 'had gone, "not to answer the question put to you. It is well, when in difficulties, to say never of word, neither black nor white. Speech is silver but silence is golden."

Assignments:

1. Give the Russian proverb corresponding to the English one given at the end of the extract.

2. Give the character sketch of Miss Brodie.

In One Ear and Upside Down*

(by Parke dimming)

The instructions and commands given by parents are endless in variety. Therefore it is impossible to make a list of them. Neither can you foretell exactly how they will be misinterpreted.

Yet, as a help to inexperienced parents I shall be happy to supply them with a short list of mixed-up instructions. They are sure to find it very helpful.

1. Instruction: "Clean up properly before you come to table. And don't use those guest towels!"

Result: The child goes and wipes its hands on a guest towel.

2. Instruction: "Will you kindly turn that radio down lower?"

Result: Usually none. After the words are repeated several times the child may turn off the radio and turn on the television.

3. Instruction: "Bring me the duster, please. I want to remove the dust from the piano."

Result: The child walks out of the room and returns in some time either with the vacuum cleaner or with a pail of water.

4. Instruction: "Clear the things off the dining room table and then get down to your homework so that you can finish it in time. I'll do the dishes."**

Result: The youngster clears the table after the request is repeated twice. Then he starts to do the dishes. He is greatly surprised when Mother tells him to start studying. He begins to complain that Mother is always telling him one thing and then changing her mind.

5. Instruction: "There is going to be trouble if you go on leaving the front door open every time you go in and out of the house."

Result: The child obviously alarmed quickly goes to the door and opens it.

6. Instruction: "Don't forget you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock on the fourth."

Result: After reading the preceding examples, the reader is expected to figure this out for himself.*

I suppose there is no need to go on with list. A smart parent will now see a way out. As the child's natural tendency is to get a request mixed up, you simply first mix it up yourself.

For instance the other morning we wanted John to wash his neck, but we hesitated a long time before we finally worded the command. It was as follows: "Scrub the soap with a towelandthen hang up your neck."**

Result: The cleanest neck we have seen in six months. You see how simple it is if you know how to do it.

Assignments:

1. Think of a continuation to this sketch.

2. Tell a funny story about your little brother or sister, or your own child.

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* Обыгрывается поговорка "In one ear and out of the other."

** to do the dishes – мыть посуду

*** The mixed up instruction for: "Scrub your neck with the soap and then hang up your towel."

**** at least so far as children are concerned –по крайней мере,чтокасается детей

What's Wrong with the Kid?

(by Parke Cumming)

Recently a well-known psychiatrist stated that modern psychiatry has made us change our opinions of what must be regarded as normal behaviour.

He may be absolutely right, for all I know. I am not going to argue with him anyhow. I should like, however, to point out that the best way to get an idea of normal behaviour (at least so far as children are concerned*) is to get married and raise** a few. As I look back on my bachelor days, I'm surprised at the wrong views I held on the matter.

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* to figure smth out for oneself– представить что-л.

Well, the best way to make myself clear, Ithink, is to take a few examples.

Example 1. A young boy in his early teens*** works for his neighbour, cleaning out the cellar, fetching wood, mowing the lawn and running errands in order to earn the money for a new tennis racket. Finally he gets the hard-earned money and buys a tennis racket.

Result:

Abnormal behaviour (i.e. the behaviour expected by an unmarried person or inexperienced parent): the boy practices regularly, and in some time becomes accomplished tennis player.

Normal behaviour, two days after buying the tennis racket, he removes all the strings and converts them into a line for a "Telephone" system. A short time later, the frame of the racket is converted into a giant slingshot.****

Example 2. A small girl – let us say aged three – is presented with a new pail and shovel for her sand box.

Abnormal behaviour, the child takes the toys to the sand box and plays with them day after day.

Normal behaviour, the child plays with the toys for ten minutes after which she throws them into a dustbin. She then makes several trips to the house and starts making sand pies with the following tools: one silver spoon, her father's best crystal cocktail shaker, her mother's favourite roasting pan.

Example 3. A five-year-old child shows interest in the neighbour's police dog, an animal the size of a mountain lion and with much sharper teeth. His parents seeing his interest in dogs, buy him the cutest little two-month-old spaniel puppy you ever saw.

Abnormal behaviour, the child is crazy about the new pet.

Normal behaviour, the child is crazy with terror as seeing the puppy and attempts to run next door to the police dog for protection.

Example 4. Six year-old Effie raises bell***** when her mother doesn't invite Susie Connors to her birthday party, and continues to do so until the mother finally yields.

Abnormal behaviour. Effie greets Susie affectionately when she appears.

Normal behaviour. Effie attacks Susie furiously, scratches her face and pulls her hair until Susie's mother caring away the screaming child.

Example 5. By means of hard work and considerable skill a 10-year-old boy succeeds in making an excellent pair of skis, but then he has to wait three weeks until there is snow.

Abnormal behaviour, the boy is crazy with joy, rushes outdoors and tries his skis.

Normal behaviour, the boy stays the entire day at home teasing the cat and driving mother mad.

I believe these five examples could be sufficient to enable practically anybody to foretell what a child will do under certain circumstances.

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** to raise smb = to bring smb up

*** aged thirteen or fourteen (teens–the year of one's age from 13 to 19), teenager – a boy or a girl in one's teens

**** a slingshot – рогатка

***** to raise bell (Am. colloq.) – поднять скандал