How to Date

(A Guide to Modern Living)

Dating is something that we just don't do. Not between adults. Dating people is for Americans. Which, if you think about it for a moment, is a bit unfair. Why should they have all the fun? So out for a little romance in your life: ask that person, whom in normal circumstances you'd go a long way to avoid, out for a date. Before you do, though, establish, what exactly is a date? Well, it doesn't involve sex — you're not feeling that desperate. Don't involve your friends; they'll only start treating your date as your partner (just to irritate you) and you don't want to encourage crazy ideas like that. Avoid dinner, for obvious reasons: a) expense; b) the awkward silences; c) your date might think it's "serious". Go to the cinema. Cheap, in the dark (no one can see you with your date) and it solves the conversation problem. On how many occasions can you date someone before they become your de facto boyfriend or girlfriend? The answer is three. Any more than that and they'll start developing unreasonable expectations of, for example, your talking to them.

The golden rule is to never kiss. A peck is acceptable, but only as you are about to dash in the opposite direction for the sanctuary of your home.

One of the main advantages of having a date is that you might be able to discourage other potential dates — all those dates you don't give a fig about — from asking you out on a date. "I'm sorry, I've got a date," is such a convenient and effortless way of giving the brush off to no-hopers.

So don't be dated, make a date with a date, and start enjoying life again!

B. Do you do any dating'? Who with and how often do you date