Mistaken Identity

(I) Several years ago I arrived in New York, where I was to change trains and take a sleeper¹. There were crowds of people on the platform; they were all trying to get on the long sleeper train, which was already crowded. I asked the young man in the booking office if I could have a sleeping-berth. The answer was: “No”. I went off and asked another local official² if I could have some poor little corner somewhere in a sleeping car. The man interrupted me angrily saying: “No, you can’t, every corner is full. Do not bother me any more”. He turned his back and walked off. I felt so hurt that I said to my companion: “If these people knew who I was, they….” But my companion stopped me there: “Don’t talk such nonsense. If they knew who you were, do you think it would help you to get a vacant seat in a train which has no vacant seats in it?”

My friend’s words did not improve my mood, but then I noticed that the porter of a sleeping car was looking at me. I saw the expression of his face suddenly change. Pointing at me, the porter whispered something to the conductor. I realized that I was being talked about.

(II) The conductor came forward, his face all politeness.

“Can I be of any service to you?” he asked. “Do you want a place in a sleeping car?”

“Yes,” I said. “I will be very grateful to you if you can give me a place; anything will do.”

“We have nothing left except the big family compartment,” the conductor continued, “with two berths and a couple of arm-chairs in it. It is entirely at your disposal³. Here, Tom, take these suitcases aboard!” Then he touched his hat and went off.

(III) The porter made us comfortable in the compartment and then he said, with many bows and smiles:

“Is there anything you want, sir? Because you can have anything you want.”

“Can I have some hot water?” I asked.

“Yes, sir, I’ll get it myself.”

“Good! Well…, this lamp is too high above the berth. Can I have a better lamp fixed at the head of my bed below the luggage rack, so that I can read comfortably?”

“Yes, sir. The lamp you want is being fixed in the next compartment. I will get it from there and fix it here. It will burn all night long. Sir, you can ask for anything you want – the whole railroad will be turned inside out to please you.” After that he disappeared.

(IV) I smiled at my companion and said:

“Well, what do you say now? Didn’t their attitude change the moment they understood I was Mark Twain?” My companion did not answer. So I added:

“Don’t you like the way you are being served? And all for the same fare.”

As I was saying this, the porter’s smiling face appeared in the doorway and this speech followed:

“Oh, sir, I recognized you the minute I set my eyes on you.”

“Is that so, my boy?” I said, handing him a good tip. “And who am I?”

“Mr. McClellan, Mayor of New York,” was the answer, and the porter disappeared again.

Notes: ¹sleeper (train) = overnight train – ночной поезд;

²official – служащий;

³at your disposal – к вашим услугам.