IN THE DRIVING SEAT

When it comes to dealing with Customs officers, anywhere in the world, the Golden Rule has got to be: You can’t beat a professional at his game.

Case in point. Returning to New York City from a trip to Europe, a well-dressed, middle-aged woman on line in front of me put two bags on the counter and said. “Nothing to declare, officer.”

The inspector checked her passport and asked. “Where are you coming from?”

“Paris,” she told him.

He nodded. “No alcohol? No tobacco? No dairy products or meat? Have you bought anything for yourself or are you bringing any gifts?”

“No,” she insisted. “None of those things. Nothing to declare.”

“Okay.” He pointed to her smaller case. “Would you open that one for me, please.”

Now she started tst-tsking. “Officer, I know you’re never going to believe me, but this morning when I was packing to leave the hotel I closed my bags not realizing that I’d locked the keys inside. How silly of me. I’m sure it’s going to be a big problem when I get home because I’ll have to find a locksmith…”

The Customs official wasn’t in the least amazed. “Not to worry.” He reached into a drawer and pulled out a huge steel ring with no less than six million keys dangling from it. “I’m sure we can help.”

That’s when the woman remembered the Dior dress and the Armani shoes and the Gucci purse and the Bruno Magli boots and the Valentino sweater and the Piaget watch.

Some time ago Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones was returning to London from a trip to the States. Just before he left, a friend in another band asked him to deliver a package to his wife. Naively, Wyman tossed it into his suitcase. At Heathrow, specially trained dogs surveyed the incoming luggage, got to Wyman’s and went absolutely wild. Customs pounced. Realizing that he’d been set up, Wyman tried to explain that a friend had given him a package and that he honestly didn’t have any idea what was in it. Sure, the officers said, we’ve heard that one before. They gladfully seized the offending contraband, ripped it open, and discovered six bags of epicurean dog food.

So, well, yes, maybe you can win sometimes.

But don’t bet on it.

Now, whereas no one at U.S. Customs will admit it too loudly in public, the truth is that they’re not out to hassle the average couple who admit to bringing back a few dollars over their limit. What they’re basically looking for these days is drugs. Not that half-a-million dollars’ worth of semiprecious stones will go unnoticed. But the average traveler has very little to worry about – that is, as long as he plays by the rules. Customs inspectors are supposed to be as helpful as possible while trying to enforce the law under what have obviously become extremely difficult conditions. That’s why there are certain things you must never say to a Customs inspector. Among them are:

1. Where have I just come from? Nine years in Turkish prison. Ha, ha, just joking!

2. I always wear seven watches.

TASKS

Task 1. Answer the questions.

1. What Golden Rule is mentioned in the text?

2. Where did a woman arrive from?

3. Why didn’t she want to open her suitcase?

4. How did the Customs officer suggest helping her?

5. What did she immediately remember?

6. Who asked Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones to deliver a package?

7. Did he get information about what was inside?

8. What happened in Heathrow?

9. What did the Customs inspector find in the package?

10. Why can’t you beat a professional at his own game?

Task 2. Say what you can remember about:

a) the incident with a woman returning from Paris;

b) the case with Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones.

Task 3. The idiom “In the Driving Seat” means to control what happens. Translate the idioms.

a) in the hot seat

b) a head of the game

c) hand in glove

d) from scratch

Task 4. Answer the following questions.

1. What must the passenger do when going through the Customs?

2. What can be brought in/taken out duty free?

3. What things are dutiable? Why?

4. What prohibited and restricted goods do you know?