How To Be The Centre Of The Universe

I have little doubt that Galileo deserved his fate. Copernicus, Kepler and Tycho Brahe were only slightly better. It is very silly to say that the earth is not the centre of the Universe. It is. And you are- as you always thought - the centre of the earth, consequently of the Universe. The earth is many thousand years old; man seems to be a million years of age and it was six hundred thousand years before he learnt how to speak. About six hundred thousand years elapsed between man’s appearance on the earth and the end of the Stone Age. No matter you are quite right in believing that you are the centre of the Universe.

I know that modern science takes another view but even modern science can be wrong. For instance, physics teaches you that the nearer you go to a seemingly small object, the larger it looks. Quite the reverse is the truth in the case of great men. The nearer you go to them, the smaller they seem. Philosophers went arguing from the ancient Greeks through Descartes to Berkley, whether we do or do not exist and whether material exists at all. I take no side in this learned argument although I have also paid my income tax on the assumption that the income tax collector and my income existed. It is quite possible, however, that the world does not exist at all, in the objective sense, it exists however in the subjective sense. Your world exists and there can be no doubt that you are the centre of your own world. When you die that world comes to an end.

Being the centre of the world, you had better make others realize this fact. Sometimes this is not easy, because people often believe that they are the centre of the world which- as I have just proved- is quite wrong.

If you are a baby, your position is very good. You are the strongest person of the family. You have all the rights and no obligations. If they do not like washing nappies well, they jolly well have to. You just howl as loud as you can and they-silly people labour under the misconception that if they pay no attention to you, you will be quiet and go to sleep. Do not give in. Just carry on and they will pay you all the attention you want. I know. I am not only a father but used to be a baby myself. It depends on you, and on you alone, when they can eat, when they can go out and whether they can sleep at all. They love you and curse you; they swear at you and they try to bribe you. But in the end they will obey you because you are the only absolute dictator in this world and your power starts fading only as you grow up.

When you grow up, you still like ordering others about just for the fun of it. Your position has become much weaker but do not give up. You may first of all try the direct approach- ordering people about and telling them what to do. They may obey; but they may not, and in that case the indirect approach is better.

Try nervous breakdowns. Any doctor and most of your lady-friends will teach you how to have one. It is easy and worth the trouble. About three breakdowns a year will bring any more or less decent husband to his knees. Between attacks, fear of a nervous breakdown will operate satisfactorily.

Well, that’s about all for today. I’ll give you more advice some other time.